Abigail Tan

Who am I? I dare say that every university student struggles to answer this question, whether we fully realise it or not. University is a wonderful place for self-discovery, where we can discover our identities by pursuing new passions, finding new friend groups, and shouldering new responsibilities. Before joining CSS, I, like many others, pursued many other sports and clubs. I found many like-minded friends, accomplished many projects, and made a lot of good memories along the way. In so many ways, I’d grown into the person I wanted to be.

Yet, despite all the good things in my student life, I still felt very empty inside. A deep loneliness started to grow within me. Misbelieving that I had a “healthy detachment” from those around me, I lived in constant fear and cynicism that because everything was transitory at best and transactional at worst, the people around me could not truly care for me and would one day leave me. Although I regularly went for mass & adoration, Jesus’s goodness always seemed so elusive to me. I felt that I was chasing after a distant God.

By the grace of God, I joined CSS in Year 3. I would admit, the first few months were uncomfortable. I was surrounded by people so different from me, I thought that I would never be understood. Carrying hurts from past experiences of community with me, I also constantly worried about not fitting in. Despite these fears, I still kept going. I was drawn to everyone in community, who appeared so joyful, hopeful, and at peace with themselves. I also began to experience a new form of love in the community: even if they did not know me, community members always cared to ask how I was doing, welcoming me with open arms. They spoke words of truth to me, words that shone a light in the terrible darkness that had blinded me for so long. Like the friends of the paralytic, they carried me to Christ, over and over again.

Through the strength and support of community, I began my walk with Christ anew. This time, I was able to see through all the distortions and fears I had about God to understand who He really is to me: a good Father who loved me into creation. Safe in His arms, I began to experience a deep peace and fullness in my heart. I saw that nothing else, no matter how good, would satisfy except placing my full identity in Him alone. After a long chase for answers, I’d finally found my answer to the question: "Who am I?" I was a daughter of God so dearly loved and desired by Him and those around me.

Over time, Jesus has also sanctified my relationship with my friends in community. In community, I found people who I can be my authentic, vulnerable self with and who are willing to be the same with me. I’ve come to learn that community is where I can step out of loneliness into company, knowing that there will always be someone to catch me when I fall. Community is where I’ve come to rely on others for strength and prayer when I am simply too weak. Community is also where I’ve met true friends. Surprisingly, these friends and I would probably have been unlikely friends if we had not met in community. Yet, it is precisely because of the intentionality to love fostered in community that we have come to appreciate each other as true gifts from God. I can now say that I have friends to walk the journey of life together.

Pope Francis once said “Being happy is not a fatality of destiny, but an achievement for those who can travel within themselves.” This past year, CSS has been a safe space and supportive community in my journey inward to find my identity. So my question to you, dear friend, is who are you? And who do you want to journey with to discover that answer?