Celeste Teo

For the better part of my first two years in university, I wasn’t active or even really present in CSS. A part of me then felt that maybe I didn’t need others to be involved in my relationship with God. For a long while, I had come to believe that I was okay on my own with God. I strongly believed that if I wanted to have a really deep and connected relationship with the Lord, it was all on me and I had the means to do it all on my own. I felt that I didn’t need to rely on other people to bring me to him. But deep down I had built these walls out of fear, fear that I would have to step out of my areas of comfort and fear that if I let down these walls, there was a chance this trust might be misplaced.

And just to be able to say that I gave it a chance, I signed up for CGs and would appear a few times during the semester or even barely at all. I had been physically present at times, but throughout it all, my heart was not open. I began to compare myself with others and felt like a “noob” amidst these others who appeared to be “super upz” in their faith. Certain lies and fears that I had continued to be amplified by the evil one and I just couldn’t allow myself to be recognised as part of this community.

But the beauty of it all was that even with my super inconsistent attendance for a good 2 years, I was never once made to feel unwelcomed. Even if I had only showed my face once that whole semester, there were community members who would check in with me and made themselves present to me. It moved me greatly because it made me feel like my presence mattered, that I was not just another face or another name, but that I was seen through the same eyes of love as that of Our Father.

Finally, out of dissatisfaction with the lukewarmness and passivity I had begun to feel in my faith, I felt that a good place to start growing more would be through CSS. I made a pact with a fellow sister to keep each other accountable and be at least present for CGs and other CSS sessions. I felt that if I desired to grow with community, the first step was to allow myself to be present, because if I didn’t avail myself, how could I expect God’s grace to be present to me through this community?

Since then, I recognise how I’ve had so many grace-filled encounters in community. Recently on an episode from the Abiding Together podcast, it emphasized how the spirit of Jesus works in us as individuals, but also in us coming together. That the beautiful thing about community is that when we see God moving in the lives of others, it encourages us, and ultimately this spirit of God brings hope. By journeying and sharing with others, I became more aware of how the Spirit moved in my life as well as in the lives of others, in ways I had never really been able to recognize before. I came to recognize that in my pursuit of God, I was never alone in my struggles. Together with my brothers and sisters, we were broken in our own ways, but we were striving towards God together. And this brokenness was no longer something to be ashamed of, but something I was better able to rejoice in, for through the love of community I could see how God continued to make himself ever so present in my brokenness.

The Lord also provided me with so many opportunities to learn to love others. In learning to be more present to others, it taught me to be a better friend, a better sister-in-Christ and also a better sister and daughter to my own family too. And as I learn to love others each day, I better recognize how I am learning to love God.

God continued to use community as a way to make his love so real and tangible for me even when I went on exchange last year, where I was blessed with my exchange CG. I found that God could use these brothers and sisters who had been total strangers to me, to journey with me and keep me rooted in my faith amidst the challenges and unrest of being in a totally foreign place. I think finding such a safe space to be in made such a huge difference for me. There was so much grace in not just being able to share about our joys and difficulties, but in being able to pray together and nudge each other towards Christ. Coming together to pray with others no longer felt an awkward or unnatural gathering that I had always imagined it to be as I grew up, instead I began to see how so much beauty and grace abounded in being united in prayer.

Community used to appear to me as a seemingly random group of people gathered, but I’ve now come to recognize that this is merely an example of God’s meticulous attention to detail, in so carefully and purposefully planning and allowing for his beloved children to be gathered together, to experience his grace and goodness in simple yet profound ways.

In moments where I feel like I am struggling to choose God and when I desire to just stay in my own little bubble of comfort, my brothers and sisters have continued to challenge me out of this bubble. And I find myself constantly moved and encouraged by my community members’ continual pursuit of God’s heart. We are not created to be alone. And truly, the presence of community in my faith journey has been a constant reminder of how I always have been, and will always continue to be carried by grace.