NUS Catholic Students Society
Erinn
Year 2 | Life Science
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April 4, 2022
Hello everyone! I’m Erinn in y2 studying life sciences. When I first received the message to share my SOCL testimony, it honestly struck fear in me and I wanted to run away. I don’t like being vulnerable in front of other people and I don’t like bearing pieces of my heart to the world. Somehow by the grace of God, He manages to capture me again and pulls me away from everything else vying for my attention. The one thing I took away from SOCL 2021 is that our God is a gentle God and he knows me through and through.
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Before coming into SOCL, I was very doubtful of whether God was working in my life. Even though I knew that He was somehow always around, I was looking for something more and wanted Him to reveal Himself to me in signs and wonders. On every occasion when God did not give me a sign or a feeling when I expected it, I pulled further and further away from Him. Although serving in the freshman retreat helped to take away a portion of my doubt, a large amount of uncertainty still dwelled within me because He never approached me in tangible ways yet seemed to be doing so much for those around me. Meeting so many people in OYP who were so on fire for the Lord also led me to question whether I was enough for Him. Bearing all these terrible feelings, I logged onto zoom to start SOCL each day with a dubious mind and a hesitant heart. During days 2 and 3 when we had praying over and outpouring, my heart was so burdened with unworthiness and sinfulness and I kept questioning whether I could truly be a beloved child of God. I even had the audacity to scoff out loud during outpouring because I thought that I was so alone and that God was certainly not watching me because there are simply too many others who love Him more. I was sorely disappointed that I could not feel any powerful movement or stirring in my heart that I felt during outpouring at my confi camp. I only felt nothing. I honestly thought that God had abandoned me.
It wasn’t until I mustered up the courage to go for reconciliation that I could feel His forgiveness for me and my own forgiveness for myself. The night before I prayed so hard that there would be a confessional booth so that I could hide my shame behind that perforated piece of wood. I also begged for father to not judge me or scold me because I knew that it would most certainly end in tears, and I really hate crying. Guess God only partially heard my prayers that night because there was no confessional booth that day nor was I able to hold back the floodgates of my eyes that betray me time after time. It was only by the movement of the Holy Spirit that I could bring myself to father despite all my fears. In that moment, I unloaded all the burdens I had been carrying with me for the longest time. I surrendered my disappointment in Him for not showing up for me and my jealousy of others who seemed to be so close to the Lord. I was not met with judgment or scolding but rather the assurance that these feelings are human and it is okay to feel that way. In spite of what I had thought, God heard the deeper cries of my heart – to be seen, to be free, and to be loved. Before I parted to say my penance, father reminded me of the verse from john 8 where Jesus says, “I do not condemn you either. Go, but do not sin again.” (WHICH IS FREAKY cuz it’s this Sunday’s gospel) I was reminded once again of God’s great mercy and felt a huge sense of relief wash over me because it felt like God had finally seen me and was speaking directly to me. It was also then when I realised that it was not nothing that I felt during outpouring but rather overwhelming peace that God allowed to reign in my heart, mind and soul. He showed up for me in a simple way that I didn’t even know I needed.
From then on, I started to notice Jesus’ presence in the little things in life. I realised that I was looking for all the wrong things from Him but He ultimately provided me with all the right answers to seek Him in the quietness of Adoration and in the silence of my own heart. I’ve come to understand that in my search for the Lord, He also actively searches for me too. As He chases after that 1 lost sheep that seems to have attracted all His attention, He still tends and cares for the other 99.
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As SOCL came to a close, I chose to walk more faithfully as a disciple of Christ. To seek not a burning fire in me but to fan a living flame. To walk not by frivolous feelings that come and go, but by true faith in the Lord. A verse I now hold close to my heart is from Hebrews 11:1, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” I can’t say that since then I’ve been able to physically feel God’s presence all the time nor can I say that we have now become inseparable BFFs. Sometimes I still get disappointed and jealous but I am convicted to continue my search for the Lord in the hope that I will find Him one day in heaven. How do I know so? I am not 100% certain but I have faith.
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I came in looking for bombastic experiences with God, but I left with peace. I’d say that’s more than enough for me, to find something that I wasn’t even looking for. Brothers and sisters, our Lord desires for you to find true peace and freedom in Him. Do not be afraid in taking the first step. Our faith story is not a sad one because it ends with Jesus conquering death! It is a story of hope. And so my hope for you is that you will encounter the peace of Christ in your lives. Are you willing to allow the prince of peace to dwell in your hearts? AMEN.