"Totuus Tus Mama, I give myself completely to you."
There was a period last year where Jackie Angel, from Ascension Presents, shared about how powerful the 54 days rosary devotion to Mother Mary was and as I watched the video on YouTube, I was initially very skeptical of how miraculous the novena devotion was but more so, I was very skeptical of whether I could pray the rosary for 54 days straight. The 54 days novena consisted of praying the rosary for 27 days for a specific petition, and then praying the rosary for another 27 days in thanksgiving, regardless of whether one receive what one asked for.
Before the 54 days novena, I did not really have a personal relationship with Mother Mary and I could say we were quite distant. I was persuaded by a sister to start on this novena and I remember telling myself that there was nothing to prayed for. I decided to start doing the Novena because my heart was in shambles and it was really broken. I had so many scars and deep wounds within my heart and my intention for the Novena was the healing of my woman’s heart. I realised how tender and how sensitive my heart is and yet there was a strength that only came from Jesus.
I remember the first few days of praying the rosary, I felt so much better physically. It was as though I could breathe better, and I could see clearly. Each Hail Mary became a rose presented to Mother Mary and she keeps every rose and bundles them into a bouquet.
I received so many images throughout the 54 days. There was this time, when I was sitting in a dark trench and there a few black serpents hovering over me. I was terrified and paralysed with fear. Yet, I saw Mother Mary coming down and crushing each serpent by its neck. She was so firm and fierce, yet so gentle. In that moment, I knew that I would always be in a very safe space with Mother Mary. She wanted to be a mother to me, she wanted to tend to my broken heart.
I remember being very fearful of starting the Novena because I was afraid that Jesus wanted me to let go of certain things in my life that I have been holding onto very tightly. Yet, deep down, Jesus desired for me to surrender and I felt this strong call to move with Jesus.
Jesus told me that if I wanted new life and new freedom, I had to surrender my life over to Him and to allow Him to shift the different things in my life.
Once, I saw this image of a waterfall. It was a huge waterfall and there were many rocks on the waterfall. The location of each rock determined the direction of the water flow of the water fall. And I saw Mother Mary coming into the waterfall, and changing the location of each rock, and as a result changing the direction of the water flow. The direction of the water flow became gentler and more directed.
She told me that I am the waterfall and the rocks were the different situations in my life. I had to trust Her as she moved and shifted the different areas of my life. I was called into a deeper invitation of trust, of knowing that my life in Jesus’s hands is safer than my life in my own hands. Just like a woman’s body during pregnancy, her organs have to move and change their locations so as to make way for the baby to grow, for new life to grow. Similarly, I was in a season of shifting the rocks in my life for new life to grow within my heart.
I didn’t know how to be woman, or to be the woman that Jesus wanted me to be. Yet, through the 54 days of Novena, I was called to unclench my fists and to surrender each situation to Jesus and to Mama Mary. I was called to unclench my fists and to surrender when I found myself in jealousy, anger and unworthiness. I was called to unclench my fists when I wanted answers for my future and for where Jesus wanted me to go. I learnt that my vocation is not a puzzle to be solved but a gift to be received. I was called to unclench my fists when I found myself in sadness and anger at the heavy crosses and sufferings I had to bear. Yet, discovering that being under Mama Mary’s mantle is the safest place to be. It was the safest place for me to process my anger and pain and never once has she condemned. She only loves gently like a mother.
Through each day, there were so many graces that were poured into my heart. And throughout the 54 days, my heart started receiving the healing and restoration it needed. I caught a glimpse of what it means to be a woman from Mama Mary as I keep my heart safely under her mantle.