Having to fight a relapse of my lymphoma, I am reminded of what I shared in the testimony I gave almost a year ago in the final campus mass of AY18/19 Semester 1. Once again, the lyrics of the chorus of "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns surfaced in my head.
"I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
And you've told me who I am
I am yours"
In this current season of my life, the image of being a delicate flower planted in the middle of a desert has repeatedly surfaced to mind. The various hardships I faced during multiple cycles of chemotherapy & its side effects were pretty much the waves that tossed me relentlessly in the ocean, making me feel jaded & dejected. Fear constantly kept latching on to me as well, like when I wonder why I have to fight this battle a third time, or whether I will be able to find a full-matched unrelated donor or not. The battle between life & death becomes a reality again. However, the Lord never fails to catch me when I am falling physically, emotionally & spiritually during this journey & will continue to do so even as I prepare myself for the upcoming allogeneic stem cell transplant.
Although my lymphoma type is already extremely rare, and having a relapse is even more unheard of, my heavenly Father has given me so much before & during this period. He has abundantly prepared me spiritually by blessing me with the opportunity to attend the School of Christian Leadership (SOCL) 2019, prior to my diagnosis, and I have learnt so many truths out of my experience that has helped me better fight off the devil in the numerous battles against him during my chemotherapy.
Moreover, Abba has blessed me with His grace by finding a local full-matched unrelated donor who is willing to donate his stem cells. Despite the odds of having only 1-in-20,000 chance to find a full-matched unrelated donor, I am eternally thankful to God for His blessing to find my donor locally without the need for my transplant coordinators to activate overseas registries to source for a full-matched donor.
Additionally, the Lord has blessed me immensely with the gift of community. When I resumed my studies as Year 1 in AY18/19 Semester 2, I had to start off with a blank canvas again, since I was no longer studying with my batch mates. It was difficult to find a community I could study with, since I was a unknown new face to both my new batch of Pharmacy freshmen & the freshmen who just joined CSS for half an academic year. Yet, the Lord has been good to me to bless me with the opportunity to make kingdom friendships with brothers & sisters-in-Christ who recently joined CSS as I studied in the PC Commons Room at University Town during my free time. Little did I know that the bonds forged through the trails of fire as we studied together through the examination period are the very same bonds that carried me through my relapse journey. Despite knowing most of them for only 4-5 months, I am extremely grateful to God for blessing me with their presence & journeying with me in this difficult season. They could have decided to turn a blind eye to me because they barely get to know me, but they chose to accompany me & bring me life in the many life-giving conversations we have through the semester and the summer break, as I fight off cancer. Reflecting now, the entire experience thus far reminded me of the truth spoken in 1 John 4:18.
"There is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out all fears"
1 John 4:18
Sure, I may be a delicate flower stuck in a parched desert, but by the grace of God, the very same turbulent waves that wash over this desert I am in can also nourish me & give me strength I do not have to fight the battle ahead. I am not alone in this fight. My Lord and Saviour is with me as I put on the full armour of God, and I have my community who are my comrades-in-arms that shower me with their intercessory prayers. With all these blessings you have given me, Lord, I pray that I may continue to surrender myself to you & allow you to lord over my life, for your plans are far greater than anyone else can think of (cf. Jer 29:11). To quote a verse from the hymn "To Win My Heart with Visions Bright and Fair" by Cardinal Manning:
"Death hath for me no fears; its bitter pains
Shall never from my King my heart divide:
Faithful to him till death my will remains;
I nothing fear with Jesus at my side."
To those who struggle with casting aside your fears & placing your trust in our Father, will you join me in choosing Jesus to be the ruler of our lives?
"It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."
Gal 2:20
