“When I die, I will send down a shower of roses from the heavens, I will spend my heaven by doing good on earth.” ― St. Therese of Lisieux
I am still in a state of complete shock and awe that I received my white rose from St. Therese on the second last day of my Novena devotion to her. Receiving a rose in any way was a form of a confirmation that the prayer intentions from the novena devotion were heard. It all started out two weeks ago.
I remember scrolling Instagram and reading a lot of testimonies about how people received their roses after their devotion to St. Thérèse of Lisieux and I was in awe yet was very skeptical. That was a day before MTR and I still remember at MTR, I sat down with a group of sisters during breakfast and told them stories about this novena and roses. I felt very amazed yet doubtful and there was a little thought that ran through my mind “how I wished I received a rose if I ever did the novena”. However, my humanness got over me and I felt that it was never possible and never going to happen to me.
At that point in time, I was struggling a lot with my own identity as a woman. The past few months were a huge struggle and I felt that I was in complete darkness and it resulted in me breaking down a lot. I didn’t understand what was going on in my life because there was this constant negativity every day. It felt that being a woman was messy and tough. In the past few months, fears of abandonment were amplified, and it never felt so real before. I always knew that women struggled with this fear of abandonment while men struggled with the fear of inadequacy. Yet, I never felt this fear in such an extensive way. Also, the fear of being replaced and the fear of being used and thrown away stayed in my heart.
Yet, it was strange because I knew I belonged to Jesus and I know who I saw. However, the lies were so strong in my head and all I felt was darkness. The uncertainties of the future were so unsettling, and I had to battle so many things and I felt so overwhelmed and defeated.
Hence, my natural instinct as a woman was to control and grasp for things. And I realised that this is what a lot of women or people fall into. Because of this fear of abandonment, we grasp onto things so tightly and we try to control and be like God. It was insanely painful. In this period of uncertainty and darkness, I tried controlling everything I could so as to find a sense of security, love and shelter. I tried to control the things I did every day, setting myself to impossible standards of perfection in my work with no room for mistakes. I even tried to control what I hear from God so as to keep Him at a distance. This brought a lot of pain and hurts.
However, Jesus always comes through for me and it is something that I would like to testify and share with everyone. He came through and brought me out of this pain and mess. I started to learn how to be His daughter again through this novena.
How I started this novena was because a sister of mine decided to do it together. So she, my best friend and I started this journey together. We would share our reflections together every day and pray the devotion every day.
At the start of the novena, I prayed for the ability to let go and detach from worldly things especially grades and perfection. I prayed for an increased trust in the Lord and to be more trusting like St. Thérèse of Lisieux. That Jesus will deliver me from my fears of abandonment, of being replaced, being not good enough and that I had to strive, so I could be loved.
Each day, there were so many graces that were poured into my heart and I felt that St. Thérèse of Lisieux was there with me, walking with me so as to teach me how to be Papa’s daughter once again. I had a lot of space during MTR to ask Jesus who I was to Him and whether I was worthy to be loved like this. And He told me that He was just in love with me and that I was never able to comprehend how much He loves me. I was His daughter and I belonged to Him.
The past week was very good but also very tough. Many issues surfaced and yet I had to face them with Jesus and it was such a beautiful process although painful. He took out one fear at a time and spoke truths to the depths of my soul. I remember calling out all these negative voices and not letting the evil one have a hold of my heart and my soul.
Being on this journey with Jesus is not for the faint hearted in all honesty. It is like purifying Gold through melting it. When the Gold miner melts the gold, impurities would rise to the surface and the gold miner would remove these impurities from the surface. He would continue this process again and again until all the impurities were removed. It is similar to our walk with Jesus. Jesus loves us so much that time after time, He allows the “impurities” of our soul to rise so He could remove them, to purify us and make us pure and holy once more, until we are pure enough to enter heaven. Through this novena, many “impurities” surfaced for me and I had to allow Jesus to be my Gold miner and to allow Him to purify me.
I learnt new things about St. Thérèse of Lisieux each day and her unwavering and child-like faith in Jesus. It was inspiring to me. On the last few days of the novena, I had an opportunity to go for daily mass and through that, Jesus spoke over my negative and self-condemning voices that were playing again and again over my head. He told me that I had to remember who I belong to and that He was never going to abandon me.
Also, it was surfaced to me that I had a deep ache within me, a longing to be seen and to be loved for who I am. I had this ache and at that moment, I realised that being a woman requires tough and messy work! Yet, Jesus revealed so much about womanhood to me through this season and this was what He revealed to me:
“There is an ache that tends to linger in my heart and the heart of every women – an ache for deep, enduring fellowship. An ache to know and be known by a friend so close as to be a lover. An ache to allow another heart to rest in hers, because her heart was designed to be a resting place. She has such great love that she longs to give - to the point where sometimes it hurts that she must keep it inside.
Of course, some of the love she has is given to her family and friends, the people she serves and the people she encounters in her everyday life. She puts her love into the work she does and the tasks that she completes. Most of all, to the best of her ability, she gives her love to the Father, who nurtures and watches over her at every moment.
She knows that it is only in Him alone that she will ever be truly satisfied, and she is content to rest in the arms of her Beloved. She is fulfilled in the Father’s love for her. She knows that He is all she really needs. And yet, the ache remains. It stays, even in the midst of the ever-present love of the Father for her.
Whether she fully realizes it or not, He is using every longing twinge of her heart as preparation. He is showing her the characteristics of true, authentic, sacrificial love, and helping to develop it within her.
With great, grace-filled effort, she learns to accept this ache and to remain steadfast in Love alone. She allows her heart to continually be mended, moulded and filled with grace. She allows herself to be romanced by the One who knows and loves her most, now and forever.”
Jesus has been teaching me how to unclench my fists and to release control, so I could learn how to receive. The very act of releasing required a lot of courage and bravery and I had to actively surrender all the things I carried to Jesus each day through the novena. I had to actively choose Jesus and tune into the voice who calls me beloved.
Jesus spoke so firmly into my soul that I was His daughter and I meant everything to Him. He was never going to leave but we were a tag team and we were going to face the world together. He told me to trust Him and told me that I belonged to Him and not to the negative, self-rejecting voices that had a grip on me. Slowly but surely, I learnt to let go with the help of St. Thérèse of Lisieux’s intercession.
Her intercession was so powerful because right now, all the lies and chains were broken, and I feel so free. They no longer have a hold on me. My prayers to St. Thérèse of Lisieux were answered and she was praying for me. I received two roses through this devotion and it was just uncanny and mysterious at how I received both of these white roses.
I received the first rose virtually. I remember studying for my midterms and was trying not to use my phone. However, I got very distracted and I went onto Instagram and the first picture I saw was a white rose.
A brother-in-Christ has actually received this rose while He was venerating the relic of St. Thérèse of Lisieux. He shared that he was following the procession and when he entered the church he sat somewhere at the back. But somehow when they are calling people to venerate the relic the ushers called him forward and he was the first in line, and so the first to receive the rose. When my brother shared this with me, I teared because I knew that St. Thérèse had given me this white rose and has heard my prayers. And that day, I was able to go for confession and receive the Eucharist at mass. My heart was bursting with purity and love. And I was completely satisfied with this. Unbeknown to me, it was not over yet and I was about to receive my second white rose.
Through this period of darkness, I have been journeying with a very close sister of mine and allowing my sisters to hold me and for them to see my most vulnerable and ugly parts. And I caught a glimpse of how patient Jesus was with me through them. My sister carried me, held space for me and always pointed me back to Jesus when I was in anger, despair and pain. And hence, I decided to meet her for dinner after school.
It was a very strange and weird time to meet her because it was a Monday night and usually I would be involved in music min practice and she would have work. It was strange because usually I would only meet people on weekends and not a Monday night. It was closed practice this week and I was not involved and hence I could meet her. We had a blessed time catching up. She told me that She wanted to buy flowers for Mother Mary and I followed her. We walked to Cold Storage in Nex and they were closing. She picked up a bunch of flowers, red and white roses and said that she would like to give them to Mother Mary and St. Thérèse. I was sharing with her about the novena that I was doing, and she looked at me and said “Bernice, it feels right to give you a white rose”.
And that was it! I received my second white rose from the novena devotion to St. Thérèse and my heart has been feeling so much Joy, Purity and Love and it is so mysterious. The lady at Cold Storage remarked that it was strange to have roses this fresh at 10.30pm on a Monday night and it is uncanny how the next day was St. Thérèse’s feast day. Everything had worked out for this moment for me to receive these roses and so many things had to happen, so I could receive these white roses. Receiving white roses means a lot to me because white symbolises purity and I have been on this journey towards holiness and purity. And it was Jesus’s way of affirming me that I am on the right journey.
My prayers were definitely answered, and the darkness and storm has cleared up. The lies of abandonment, replacement was gone as soon as I remembered who I belong to. Because as I remember who I belong to, I remember who I am. I know that I am unique, that I am safely held and that I am beautiful in my own way. I did not have to compare myself to other women who had things that I longed for. I did not have to condemn and reject myself for being less because I am more than enough for Jesus. I did not have to worry that I would be used and thrown aside because My Papa was so firm with me about Him not abandoning me. I am uniquely Bernice. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am beautiful because the light of Christ is within me. I know that Jesus is preparing me, moulding me into the woman He desires for me to be.
The storm that raged through the night. The storm that rocked the boat I was in so violently. The storm which I saw no end to. The Lord appeared and as I called out to Him, He said “come.” Just like He did with Peter, He called me to greater trust in Him as I took a step onto the waters with Him. And in time He calmed the storm and climbed into the boat with me.
He is my Papa and I Belong to my Papa and no one else. Hello fears, meet my Papa :D
“When I die, I will send down a shower of roses from the heavens, I will spend my heaven by doing good on earth.” ― St. Therese of Lisieux
And I humbly received one white rose from her yesterday.
- Bernice Lee