Lately I’ve been having difficulty trusting God. Things seem to be out of my control and not turning out the way I was hoping them to be. I asked God why, and is this plan of his truly the best for me. I felt ashamed for having such thoughts and not being able to trust him and give up control to him. I know in my mind that God is faithful and good to me. I can see rationally how all these things that he has placed for me are good for me, to stretch me and grow me, but somehow I just couldn’t claim that in my heart. These thoughts and feelings were so consuming. I felt like I was surrounded by huge waves towering over me, closing in on me. I felt forgotten by him, lost out at sea and drowning.
However, I recently set aside some time to pray to God through art. During this time, God spoke to me through this writing by Mary Bonacci. He told me it’s okay to feel what I am feeling, it’s okay to struggle with trusting.
“The good Lord does not demand more from you than good will.” All he asks is that we try as best as we possibly can, given our human limitations and weaknesses. “We can still decide that, no matter what our emotions may be doing, the rational part of our minds, the part that can freely choose, is choosing to trust God.”
I don’t know what I’m doing Lord and I don’t know if this is trusting you. But I know that I desire to trust in you. I choose to trust, or what I think is to trust, and I hope that this is enough for you.
“Oceans” kept playing in my head as I was reflecting on this writing, so it became my prayer to God. This Dead Sea within me was consuming me inside out, but my good Lord is transforming it into an ocean of trust. One that I can fall deeply into and be held safely in. Warm and sure like a mother’s womb. Waters that wash over me and give me life. Horizons that stretch far into the depths of my heart. Suddenly these waves that surround me do not seem as terrifying anymore.
I claim that all these sufferings are his way of teaching me how to trust him more and more. I am not alone because he controls and rides the waves with me. He is with me through the fire and the flood.
In the end, all this is for me to have more of Him, Him who is the greatest good in my life.
- Rachel Chay