“A great gulf”. Upon reflection, this phrase had threefold meanings to me:
1. The distance we feel from our brothers and sisters who have left/ yet to know the church. The ache that wishes for them to find fullness in the Lord Himself.
This week, it has been truly challenging to experience each and every one of these analogies, one after another. I had learnt about an individual whom I knew in passing, about why he/she had strayed from the church. It was a painful experience, I couldn’t really articulate why exactly. But I knew that I wanted so badly for him/her to know how the hurts experienced were not justified, and how home wasn’t so far away. How he/she wasn’t defined by desires, actions or societal labels, but so very loved by the Lord still. I was reminded about how we are most present, authentic and loving when we see and feel palpably, the struggles and pain our brothers and sisters are in. That when we approach one another without judgement or preconceived notions, but with a heart willing to understand, it is then we are truly sitting in that same pain. We cannot begin to understand fully, but we can definitely be equally vulnerable, by recognising our mutual mortal weaknesses and crosses that we carry.
2. The Lord aching for us to return when we are spiritually dry
Trundling along the week, I was struck with a bout of negative thoughts and feelings that have been unfamiliar and like a naïve immune system, it couldn’t mount a sufficient immune response. These thoughts were pervasive and grew louder and bigger, slowly encroaching into more and more aspects of my life. They were angry like rumbling thunder at times, harsh like cold ice and insidious like a brewing storm. I was unable to appreciate the flowers the Lord planted along my path, I simply couldn’t recognise their beauty. It paled so much in comparison when I saw how others had greener pastures.
I felt burdened with having to continually give in and attend to things, I wasn’t being a joyful servant. And my guilt subsequent to these events had made me want to recluse into myself so much, it was only then that I realised the gulf between Jesus and I had grown. Yet, I was still resistant to being cared for, but why?
But the truth is this - when we feel the least proud of ourselves, it is then the Lord wants to love us the most. Why are we so resistant then? A sister sent me this article today that is so beautifully apt, it says:
“Sensitive people, on the other hand, struggle with the rawness of intimacy because genuine intimacy, like heaven, is not something that can be easily achieved. It’s a lifelong struggle, a give and take with many setbacks, a revealing and a hiding, a giving over and a resistance, an ecstasy and a feeling of unworthiness, an acceptance that struggles with real surrender, an altruism that still contains selfishness, a warmth that sometimes turns cold, a commitment that still has some conditions, and a hope that struggles to sustain itself.”
3. The distance we feel with the Lord when we stray or sin.
God knows everything, but yet He wants us to hear us confess our sins, to tell Him our struggles over and over again, because He wants us to be vulnerable in that process. And in that unworthiness, He tells us that we are still free to return home. He waits and aches for us tirelessly. He tells us that we are Beloved, that in being Beloved that others are loved no less or more. And it is only when we can claim our belovedness, can we learn to love and serve others in Christ’s light, to continually remind each other that we are each so irreplaceable in the Lord’s eyes.
Realities of this world may say otherwise, but we have to continually remain rooted in the truth that our value is not of this world’s, the world’s definitions and plans for us are not what the Lord always wants for us. God never ever shows us gold to give us silver, what others are bestowed with is simply not ours to claim. This is truly the hardest statement to claim in this season, but as Lauren Daigle says (or sings),
“I want what You want Lord and nothing less.”
The grass is greener where we tend and water it, hold steadfast in faith that this time of adversity is not in vain, we are growing in humility and fortitude as we toil in patience, but not in impatience. And when we are in the eye of the storm, there is really no better time to give thanks and ponder on how truly provident our Lord has been in our past seasons, and to rest steady that He remains in control, His love surrounds us, and that we can trust Him still.
That this gulf that lay was never meant to be left far apart.
- Rachel Law