Isn’t it good to be obedient, dutiful, law-abiding, hardworking and self-sacrificing? And it seems that just as I want to be most selfless, I find myself obsessed about being loved (pg 78) There is a very strong, dark voice in me that says… “God isn’t really interested in me… I am not his favourite son. I don’t expect him to give me what I really want” (pg 86-87) As the elder son in my family growing up, I always felt like it fell on my shoulders to be a ‘responsible’ son, to help out when things need to be done, to be someone my parents can be proud of. Without knowing, I came to fear disappointing them immensely, and I tried to be good so that I would gain their approval. Deep down, I desired deeply to be loved and recognised, and I would often feel resentful if I wasn’t “appreciated” for what I had done. I have come to realise that this attitude has also influenced my relationship with God. On days that are difficult, it is easy to hear the lie that I am not good enough for the Lord; that somehow my pursuit of the Lord instead of the world was a misstep, and I should go back into the world that has offered me so much affirmation before. Despite this, I know deep in my own heart how much joy I have received from this new life in Christ. I have tasted and seen the Lord’s goodness and providence in my life, and He has been so so faithful to me in the times that I have said ‘yes’ to Him. Yet, I have also learnt that my ‘yes’ to him is so often a daily affair, a daily contemplation of the truth that the Father speaks to the Elder Son: “You are with me always, and all I have is yours”. It is in the times that I stray from this voice that I am the most unhappy, like the Elder Son in the painting that stands in the shadow. My brothers and sisters, in the times that we hear these lies in our minds, do we sit and listen for the small voice of God speak this message of love into our hearts? Henri Nouwen reminds us that in these moments, “it requires a real discipline to step over my chronic complaint and to think, speak and act with the conviction that I am being sought and will be found” (pg 87). It is precisely in our darkness that the Lord invites us to hope in Him, to trust that His love for us will never wane in spite of our frustrations, anxieties and fear. Jesus invites all of us to look away from the waves that threaten our peace and just to meet his gaze of love again. Jesus, in the times we have to dig deep to hear that we are loved, give us the grace to trust in you! I pray that in these moments of darkness, we may all come to believe the voice of the Father who says that “all I have is yours”. Amen.
- Brendan Loy
* Click here to read about our sister, Francesca Lee's reflection on the prologue! *
* Click here to read about our sister, Abigail Tan's reflection on the younger son! *
* Click here to read about our brother, Edwin Lim's reflection on the younger son! *
* Click here to read about our sister, Alyssa Toh's reflection on the elder son! *
* Click here to read about our sister, Kathleen Utojo's reflection on the father! *