“Although claiming my true identity as a child of God, I still live as though the God to whom I am returning demands an explanation. I still think about his love as conditional and about home as a place I am not fully sure of” (page 54)
Henri Nouwen so sharply communicates the thoughts of the younger son as he makes his journey back home. He mentions how being in the world for too long has caused the younger son to doubt in the dignity of his sonship, in his father’s character. This reminds me of before, when I left the Church for a long time, and became so convinced by the lies fed by the world about love, about community, about myself. When I first came back, I was not convinced that I was beloved. I still viewed myself an outcast as I stood in the room of other Catholics. I felt like I had to earn His attention, to justify my actions through self-serving half apologies to convince Him to spare me just a pittance of His grace, which I saw in abundance in the lives of other Catholics around me. Being lost for so long I had become convinced that God was judgmental and miserly, critical and harsh. But as Nouwen said, “submission to this God does not create true inner freedom but breeds only bitterness and resentment.” (Pg 55)
Upon this realization, Nouwen puts forth the idea that we have 2 choices. “Do we accept the rejection of the world that imprisons us, or do we claim the freedom of the children of God?” (Pg 53). He shows this choice in contrasting Judas and Peter. Both sinned against God, both succumbed to the voices of the world. Yet both made starkly different choices after sinning against God.
At the time of my conversion, I realized I had to choose. I could remain a cynic, to hide myself from people and live in wariness and selfishness, or I could choose to reject these voices implanted in my head through years of conditioning, to once again claim and seek my original belovedness as a child of God, to choose true Love. One would then wonder, why in the world would that even be a dilemma? The choice seems pretty clear. Well, no.
“It is clear that the distance between the turning around and the arrival at home needs to be travelled wisely and with discipline. The discipline is that of becoming a child of God.” (Pg 56). To truly get home, to truly want to become a child of God once again, needs discipline. In our need to know, to control, we can easily become tempted to fall back to the lies of the world. The lie that love has to be earned. Because if it can be earned, it means I can control it. The lie that I am a victim and I have no choice. Because if so, who can blame me for my sins? I cannot thus be truly held accountable for my missteps, right? These lies are comfortable, but they lead to despair. I still struggle with this in a very real sense today, to want to control, to want to know. But I need to make a conscious decision, day by day, to surrender. To become a child again, to be fully and utterly uselessly dependent on the God who provides.
Thus in this season of Lent my weaknesses will be magnified, my temptations will scream at me louder than ever before. But in this season, through tireless discipline, I want to choose to surrender it to God. There will be times of failure, because it is not an easy road. But I will choose, day by day, to strive on forward, back in the arms of my Father.
- Edwin Lee
* Click here to read about our sister, Francesca Lee's reflection on the prologue! *
* Click here to read about our sister, Abigail Tan's reflection on the younger son! *
* Click here to read about our sister, Alyssa Toh's reflection on the elder son! *
* Click here to read about our brother, Brendan Loy's reflection on the elder son! *
* Click here to read about our sister, Kathleen Utojo's reflection on the father! *